Sunday, 26 January 2014

A CANBERRA BOY IN THAILAND

  A CANBERRA BOY IN THAILAND
   Last week I received the email which follows this introductory rave from a mate, Tony Quinn, who is visiting Thailand. In it he describes to me what happened to him after he ate off seafood at a Thai restaurant. Tony is the same age as me, 61, (when this yarn was first written in Jan 2014), and like me was also raised in the Berra from an early age. He has been married to a Thai lady for over 30 years and usually visits Thailand with her annually. For the sake of his wife, who is a private person, I will not identify her. I have therefore removed his wife's name where he refers to her in his email and replaced it with "the Mrs." 
     Last time Tony was in Thailand, which was about a year ago, he went for a run in the jungle and came very close to being attacked by a large male monkey who stood in his path defending its territory. He hasn't had a lot of luck with animals. He's been the victim of attacks by goshawks while running in the Berra on two occasions. As a result he likes to run with me because it decreases his chances of being attacked by 50%. 
Dave Wheeler 26/1/14
A CANBERRA BOY IN THAILAND
by Tony Quinn
   The following is an email I recently received from Tony Quinn, a mate who is visiting Thailand. 
Dave Wheeler 26/1/14
Gooday you mongrel,
   We left Bangkok on Sunday and went south to a place on the coast called Cha Am. We stayed in a hotel which was very quiet and had a big pool. I could also run along the beach. I hired a Honda CRV and on Tuesday we drove further south to a place I can't recall the name of to visit a mate of the Mrs named Nataya. 
   I met Nataya a couple of times before and she thinks I'm really nice (good judge of character). She gave me a shirt last time we met. When she saw me this time she ran over and hugged me. She's very wealthy and owns a lot of properties. Her husband's been active politically.
   She was a beauty queen in the 70's and the last time I saw her she looked okay for her age but this time she looked hideous. She obviously had plastic surgery on her face but something went horribly wrong. Her nostrils were pointing straight out like a pig's snout. It's a pity, because she's a nice woman but now advertises herself as being mutton doing a bad job of trying to dress itself as lamb. Why can't people just grow old gracefully? It's good to keep fit as you age but we can't do much about keeping our looks. 
   She took us to a restaurant for lunch and was so happy to see us she ordered beer after beer. As I'm a very polite person and didn't want to offend her I drank several glasses. The food was fried fish, crab, prawns, oysters, pork, noodles, etc. I was turned off when I was eating because every time I looked at her I could see a pair of nostrils staring back at me. 
   She told me I looked like a movie star but could not think of his name. I suggested it may be Brad Pitt, Tom Cruise, George Clooney or James Bond. She said I was very handsome. I said "If you had a few more beers I would look even more handsome." 
   After lunch she wanted to show us some of her land holdings and insisted on driving the hire car. I was shitting myself as she was driving all over the road. I took over at an appropriate spot.
   I wasn't feeling too good at that stage so we commenced the drive back to her place. I started to feel really sick. I had severe stomach pains and my bowels were moving. I pulled over to the side of the road, staggered around to the other side of the car, dropped my pants, and in a half squat position while leaning against the vehicle let fly. The shit flew out of me like a geyser and must have looked  a great sight. The Mrs said she was lucky not to be standing behind me as it went about 2 metres. I wonder if Nataya still thought I looked like a movie star. 
   I remained in that position for about 15 minutes with multiple shits coming out. Unlike Australia the main roads in Thailand have houses and shops along them. It must have impressed the locals. To make matters worse the wife started yelling at me that I was getting shit all over my white RM Williams jeans (I wore them especially to impress Nataya). I was in no mood to listen to her claptrap so I summoned the last remaining bit of energy I had, to respond with "Get *******! 
   After shitting I was too weak to wipe my arse so the Mrs washed it with a bottle of drinking water. While still in the half squat position leaning forward and with much difficulty I started to pull up my now not so white RM Williams jeans trying hard not to expose my genitals in the process. This would have provided even more amusement for the locals. I crawled back into the driver's seat and continued on my way despite feeling sick, as I had no faith in the driving ability of either Nataya or the Mrs. The nagging started once again. This time the Mrs was complaining that I had spray-painted shit over the front passenger car door.


   I only got about 10kms when I started to feel even sicker, so I pulled over to the side of the road again and had 3 vomits out of the car door.I felt a bit better and drove on, but by the time we had dropped off Nataya I began to feel sick again and we only just made it back to our hotel, where I had several more shits and many more vomits. I thought I was going to die. I could not even drink a mouthful of water but I later on managed a bit of green tea.
   I felt a bit better in the morning so I did some exercises and went for a swim. I forced myself to eat some food and I didn't shit all day, although I had a severe headache and a hot forehead. I also felt my blood pressure was through the roof. 
   That night I forced myself to go for a 20 minute run along the beach and didn't feel any worse. I'm still not 100% and I'm looking forward to eating some decent food when I return to Canberra.
Regards,
Tony 26/1/14
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